toopid training

i was all prepared to go circuit today .. but had a heavy heart towards it ... as i havent been training these past few months.. i felt tht i have slacked alot ..
was suppose to be a happy day ... until i had the draggful thought of running ...
was hurt by the thought of wat some team mates feel about the absenties frm training .. one of them said ... u keep saying tht u are lousy .. but tht's juz an excuess.. if u keep coming down for all the trainings .. be it kallang gym .. circuit n polo .. u sure can make it ..
n the other person said .. wenqi u coming for circuit today ?? n i gave an unsure look .. then he said.. well .. if u dun come also nvm .. anyway u havent been coming training for so long .. haiz.. u r such a disappointment..
at this point .. i nearly cried... do they actually noe the real reason tht stops me frm coming to trainings... even if they do .. does it sink into their heads??
i guess they werent in my shoes b4 ... i have been in a dilemma ever since my 1st ivp race... wheather to quit spct or to stay .. i have been syaing i wan to quit .. but didnt a few times.. but i think my teammates are also tired of my decision ... but u think im not tired meh ?? im more tired then anyone of u guys out there... always feel so darn guilty tht i didnt go for training even though it was near the competition ... feel so sory for my partners.. feel sorry for coach ... have been strugglering with it ... but still cant make a proper decision .. every time i want to quit .. i would be soften by the words of staying .. thinking tht my team mates might miss me ....
so do they actually noe me ?? wats keeping me frm coming to trainings?? if they do .. then y do they always swan me ... i think i kinda noe how keryn n caroline feels.... thts y i try my best to not ask carol y is she not coming for training ... its really up to her .. she might have problems which she cant conqure....
i really lost passion for spct ... where has it gone to ?? tht im not sure .. its juz .. gone~